Isolating

After staying up till the wee hours of the morning talking with me, Reagan was up really early today and had a long day. He went to bed over an hour ago, and I'm still awake.

Sure, on his working days I'd rather be awake while he's sleeping and sleep while he's gone, but on this rare occasion of him having three days off in a row, it'd be nice to be on the same schedule.

Also about isolation, I haven't been talking with my friends lately. It's not easy to feel or talk about, and even less easy to understand. The majority of people I used to interact with have fallen by the wayside in my life, and I, assumedly, in theirs.

I don't know if it's the reliance on the internet that's done this to us. It seems plausible that the lack of physically seeing each other is roadblock number one, being intensely busy with our own lives is roadblock number two, and how easy it is to IM being roadblock number three. Meaning it's so easy that it doesn't take effort, so effort is not put in, and when there is no effort exerted, nothing really happens.

On so many fronts, nobody is taking responsibility for the relationship. Bummer.

And I'm in that "nobody". My life, small as it is, is incredibly consuming. I can't spend enough time drawing. I can't spend enough time with my husband. And therefore I don't spend enough time with other people. This isolation I feel, and the occasional loneliness that comes with it, is largely self-inflicted.

Was I someone else, the question I'd ask of this person waxing poetic about her isolation is, "are you bragging or complaining?"

Part of my brain is very focused on answers and conclusions. It likes to add an "ergo" statement to every other thought and fact. So much so that it is occasionally difficult to break out of that and simply acknowledge a statement for what it is. I forget to enjoy mysteries and open ended journeys of thought.

Isolation and my current social state (or lack thereof) are things I need to keep thinking of in an open ended way. Not necessarily resigning myself to stay in this place, but not rushing through and trying to change or fix it immediately.

These are the things I think about.

The scalpel of my introspection has dulled over the last months, but all this thinking and examining of my mental landscape (and how it changes) is doing well to refine it again.