Personal Cosmology

Or: Things In My Orbit, Natural and Unnatural.

First thing this morning I read the "paper" (my livejournal friends page) with my tea. One post in particular got me thinking about my identity and how I work on myself, plus how my head is a place of such conflict and contradiction.

This year I've been working harder than ever to codify myself, and fortunately I've been presented with a tripod of personal philosophies that I lean on and build from.

Aspect number one that I brought into my orbit has been a part of me for many years and comes from Mary Schmich by way of Baz Lurhman (youtube). Nicely in the form of a song, the words have been a great source of comfort to me since I first heard the song, probably around the time of it's release.

While I agree with most everything in there, one piece I try to hold onto the most from the column/song is this: Do one thing every day that scares you. It's hard to argue with. Step out of your comfort zone daily. This influence was the most instrumental in my decision to take a long early morning walk last week.

An offshoot inspiration to this bolder aspect of interacting with the world is the character Veronica Mars. "What Would Veronica Mars Do?" Many of the things she does, the easy way she interacts with people, especially strangers, are way outside my comfort zone. She is my role model for being less self-conscious and more self-possessed.

Second in my list of personal influences is Randy Pausch. I didn't put a ton of weight on his lecture video the first time I saw it, but watching it again earlier this year it seemed more in tune with my wavelength. (Just being exposed to the first 30 seconds as I retrieved that link hearing his voice brought tears to my eyes.) Also, I'm glad I read the book when I did because as I read about Randy's life and philosophy in more detail, I could hear the words in his voice. Very special.

The two keystones I take away from Randy's lecture are "go after your dreams" and, to use his phrase, "brick walls are there to stop people who don't want it bad enough". Surely these ideas aren't unique to him, but Randy's attitude of a relentless pursuit of fun makes internalizing his philosophy irresistible. He's very much "whistle while you work".

In the past year it's become more clear to me that being capable in creating images is a dream-quality goal. Drawing isn't something that's been a part of me since I was a child (although writing is), but my convictions that I want to pursue this path has grown exponentially. Randy's words of wisdom give me more confidence and assurance that if I mean it, it's worth it to climb over the brick walls, and doing so will get me closer to where I want to be.

I don't come away with the idea of "the power of positive thinking", but with an understanding of the values of optimism and genuine joy. "It's not easy, but it's worth it." I love the vision and the appreciation for struggle and determination. Having this resource at hand helps me get over discouragement at slow progress.

Speaking of progress... The most recent to this group of influences is Keri Smith, who I have mentioned before. And, yes, perhaps she is too new to be a fully tenured member of this pantheon, but her influence is currently in residence.

"Progress" is a segue to Keri Smith because it's something I don't associate with her. Where Randy advocates journey towards a destination, Keri seems to prefer journey with twice as much focus on journey as destination. I might be misrepresenting her ideas, but in the pantheon she is the goddess of "This, Here, Now".

I'm noticing that while these influences are arranged by when I picked them up, they are also ordered by pragmatism. I'm trending from very basic, grounded, scientific advice, to teachings about personal goals and trajectories, to encouragement to seek, accept, and express beauty. The nugget I get from Keri Smith is "disregard nothing". (Another aspect of progression: Single column/song, to 60min lecture/book, to multiple books/extensive blogging and linking.)

The nuances beyond and behind those broad, basic strokes on my interpretation of Keri both comes full circle, connecting back to Mary's advice, but also moves completely away from it speaking in terms that needs the midpoint of Randy's philosophy and the butter in the cracks of my thought process to draw a line between them.

Another sound bite iteration of my version of Keri's philosophy is "Try anything; be uninhibited; nothing is beneath you." The direct link to Mary's column is "do scary things"; I've mentioned before how reserved I am. But I have the goal (buzzword!) to be a person with more aspects, more experiences, and more varied thoughts. Actually, I don't know if I need more aspects or more varied thoughts (I'm scattered and complex as it is!), but I definitely want more experiences, so I mentally keep Keri at hand so I hope I can step up and be willing when opportunities present themselves. Internal Randy tells me to create my own opportunities. :)


Part two: Barriers to me conceptually discipling myself to these ideas.

I have no issue with Mary's advice. How could I? Both practical and helpful.

Randy's ideas I don't wrestle much with either. I'm not fanatical about it, or an extreme evangelist (although I do like to recommend him to people when it's relevant). The latter would be annoying to other people, the former would be annoying to me because it would have the potential to create difficulty between Reagan and I. Recently we've had quite a few discussions about our approaches to life, specifically how I'm more aggressive about trying new things and how it's less natural for Reagan to leave the computer without a specific need to. If I was religiously gung-ho about dreaming and pursuing goals, I'd want to be married to someone of the same religion.

The influence I am most likely to reject in the event of a transplant is Keri Smith. Blame my balanced brain.

I long for the ease of a wholecloth philosophy that doesn't label, doesn't judge, doesn't reject, doesn't rank, doesn't devalue, but I can't get there. I want rainbows and sunshine and nonprofits and sharing and things without downsides, that do no harm. I want single solutions. But I don't. I want to believe that everyone is an artist. But I really don't.

Humanity is flawed, and I feel like a lot of the culture that Keri Smith represents disagrees with me, or at least turns away from that idea. (This is the point in the discussion where I sit rubbing my head for minutes at a time, pondering.) More than a cynic, skeptic, rationalist, or pure realist, I see myself as a person of counter points, of seeing the other side. I believe there are always more factors, more points of view, and also that some arguments are more valid than others.

That scattered viewpoint aside, I think the reasons I can't become a Keri Smith acolyte is the exact reason I reach out to those kinds of philosophies. I need the goodness and warm-fuzzies and proselytizing for arts and creativity as an offset to my support for progress and acceptance of globalization and industry.