Re-Evaluating

The first time I came across Keri Smith I did not like her at all. Not one bit.

I was in Hot Topic, which may have influenced me to be judgmental*. (I'm still judgmental, but not about this, and I'm getting better in general.) The book I was (but no longer am) judgmental about is Wreck This Journal

The instant, knee-jerk reaction was that it was dumb. I looked through several pages and the only message I got was "be subversive! be destructive! be edgy! do something different! oh, and do it like this".

8. place journal open on the floor. drop media onto it from waist height.
9. tear page into tiny little pieces. glue in envelope to put them in.
10. use page as a napkin while eating.
11. cut through several pages.
12. drag a page through the mud.
- from the official site

Those are examples of instructions on different pages of the journal. I'm not sure if all of them are in the published version, but I think you get the idea. (Although it's possible I'm editorializing by choosing those 5 entries in particular.) Flipping through the book my mind went into a feedback loop. The instructions were to do things differently, to break the norm... but to do so by following the rules. That tweaked my brain and made it unhappy.

An important thing I didn't think of at the time is that wrecking (or using) the journal is not an end in itself. Or at least it doesn't have to be. When I managed to reorder my perspective and see the journal as a starting point, it made more sense to be enthusiastic, even if some of the ideas in the book were beneath me. Actually, more recently I've become attracted to Keri's philosophy simply because the things she mentions doing are beneath me (and wrongfully so).

For whatever psychodynamic reason, over the course of my life it's become important for me to feel sophisticated. I want to know how to handle myself in whatever situation and be able to do so correctly. While it has never explicitly been a desire of mine to go through life unnoticed, I am deathly afraid of being the subject of the "wrong" kind of attention. I loathe the idea of being told I'm doing something wrong, especially by a stranger. Is this a flaw of my empathy? my relativism? Any time I attract negative attention, I believe the nay-sayer's opinion is correct in their own world and I course-correct so I don't bother anybody. Those criticisms are taken very personally; I made a poor first impression, and now someone's only opinion of me is negative. That's not sophisticated.

Similarly, I don't like doing things in a half-assed way, or seeing things done in a half-assed way. I recognize and appreciate high production values and good design choices, and don't like to be involved with things that don't live up to these standards. This goes a long way to keeping me inside my comfort zone.

Now, however, I'm trying to consciously break these too-familiar paradigms, as I realize they are limiting my life experiences. I need to do things that are unsophisticated and get over my fear of strangers. I want to be comfortable doing things that may draw attention to myself, even if some of that attention is unfriendly. I understand that anything I deem as "beneath me" I've probably never tried before. If I do it now, I'll be having a new experience. Not all new experiences will be good, but I'm okay with that.

Once I let Keri Smith teach me this radical new idea that following directions is not necessarily an end in itself (much like cooking food is not the end of the dining experience), I relaxed my mistrust of her and let her talk to me about a few other things. Through that process I discovered a number of other things about her philosophy I like. (If you click that link and read about HOW TO BE AN EXPLORER OF THE WORLD, be warned that page 8 skips to page 13, so you have to put page 9 in the URL manually.) A comprehensive list would be too much, so I'll give the top 4 tidbits she gives me:

1: EVERYTHING is interesting. (Look harder.) This fits nicely with what I call my own 'lack of tast', wide variety of interests, and weakness vs. enthusiasm.
2: Alter your course often. She says in another place that she does 'experiments', and while cutting out TV and cutting back on internet are specifically mentioned, I'm sure that goes much farther. If you know me at all, you probably notice how this resonates with my affinity for (non-senseless) change and chaos in my life. (Anti-limbo!)
3: Her favorite artists and designers are collectors This is something like license-to-packrat. I like. :)
4: OBSERVE, OBSERVE, OBSERVE, OBSERVE. Use all the senses. There is always something new, even in old/familiar places

Speaking of familiar places, I feel like I haven't done much stepping out since, well, since I got married. It really isn't a causal relationship. The past 27 months I wouldn't trade for anything, and there have been epically wonderful times with Reagan and other people.

But for the entirety of it we've been living frugally on less than one regular, full-time income. Combine that with how comfortable we are in our room at our desks, and there's a chronic lack of means, motive, and opportunity aligning. This isn't the time to enumerate my struggles. This is the time to work on burning into my brain that it is possible to find value in my surroundings here and now. It is possible to generate enough curiosity to make it not only interesting, but engaging. Even without the internet, I bet. I am setting my sights to facilitate moving in that direction.

A thought of Keri's that marks how my path diverges from hers however, can easily be drawn from this: My current fascination with it [guerrilla art] stems from a belief in the importance of making art without attachment to the outcome.

I have a hard time separating process from outcome. A really hard time. This reminds me of a brief exchange I had with a blogger/writer by the name of Jim Murdoch a few days ago that touched on process, in that hands-in-the-clay, fingers-on-the-keys, the creating part of being a productive artist/writer is the part that is most important.


*deep breath* My essay (of sorts) is fracturing. I'm having a hard time sticking to any thesis. I wrote thirteen words on a post-it note. I don't know who to discuss them with.
collage, indeterminacy, poetry, control, writing, art, design, process, communication, meaning, audience, medium
I wonder if I'll remember the proper thought-lines and context when I manage to find a curious mind to discuss this with.


The most important part (to me) of an entry like this is the "what now?" bit. And it's early Sunday morning, so this is a good opportunity to give myself a week-long experiment: walking and yoga are in, constant internet (all but posting, email, necessities, and limited AIM) is out. It's time to break this unproductive habit.

I want something different. Let's try this and see what happens.


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* On the way out of Hot Topic on the same day I told Draco that despite Hot Topic being all "sold out" and "not punk rock", a case could be made that it is still serving the underground/subversive community by offering an alternative to the more mainstream shops nearby. The quality or credibility of the store isn't the important part, the fact that it's different is. To the people who matter, it will be a gateway to something that speaks to them more than Macys and Abercrombie and American Apparel do.