After storing this up for a long time...

It's truly a shame I haven't blogged more in the past couple months. If I did, I might have a better grasp of how and why I've reached certain decisions about my future. If I had written about them, I could go back and examine my motivations and judged them, and I would have more confidence in changing my mind or switching directions.

As things stand, I feel like a shallow layer of debris floating on the surface of a great lake, or maybe a bathtub. Scattered and undulating, my thoughts don't have a very good grasp on one another. I'm left with a sensation of forgetting things, and not being able to keep track of what is a core part of myself and what's just passing through.

Right now all of me is just passing through. *cue usual woes of limbo*

A few weeks ago I was very gung-ho about going to university in San Diego. I was going to find a way to go to school! I was really going to do it! The key thing that drove me to such a declaration was the discovery of the John Muir Special Projects Major at UCSD. It's a build-your-own major that requires administrative approval to get into, and a self-directed senior project for graduation. Prior to uncovering the existence of such a program, I was half-heartedly flipping back and forth between Fine Art, Art History, English Literature, or a _____ Studies type of major. Classical Studies was in the mix for a while.

Sometimes I would tell myself, "I can do anything for four years! It would be an adventure to throw myself into the deep end of specialized study for a period of time", but never really saw any of those topics as something to build a life on. Finding the Special Projects Major, it was like the heavens opened up and a glorious solution poured down upon me. From the literature I've read on the college's website, that one option would let me take a mix of classes that not only interest me, but support what I want to do with my life ("after I graduate"), which is write and illustrate graphic novels. Art, history, writing, mythmaking, storytelling, yes, please.

I've known for some time that universities Require(tm) you to submit transcripts from previous colleges for transfer, no wiping the slate clean, but only a couple days ago did I make a first foray into testing how those policies apply to my situation. Of course I got the boiler plate response of "Submit everything! And we probably won't let you transfer as a Sophomore." Though expected, that answer turned me red and green and purple and blue with frustration, anger, and other uncharitable emotions.

While I will go to the school in person and confront an admissions counselor, the wind has been taken out of my sails. I have a hard time getting excited about school if I'm going to have to slog through more time at a community college, contend with the low grades already on my transcripts, and accept credits for courses that I have no internal connection to.

Once upon a time I was taking Bookkeeping, Advertising, XHTML, and another business class I can't even remember the title of. Once upon a time I failed English 1A. Once upon a time I took two semesters of Japanese, and now can't even remember the full set of basic characters. I want to start over.

But I don't know if that can happen. My academic record may be scarred forever.

My point being: what's the contingency? If I can't persuade the university that they want to take me on for a full 180 units, will I do my time at a community college and go anyway? Could I stomach taking a less-desired major, just to get my diploma? Is it stubborn to say "I'll go to school, but only if I can do it my way."

Discussing this with Reagan on the phone yesterday, I said, "I can always go to Watts". But I did say it in a snide, dismissive sort of way. Understand, while I have a great admiration for the art coming out of the institution, I've often felt it to be several degrees more classical than the direction I'm headed. Technique training couldn't hurt my work, though. I admit that much.

The second layer of all this comes in the form of impersonal wisdom. I speak of Randy Pausch, whose Last Lecture I refer to often, and Jeffery Pressfield's War of Art which showed up in a box on my doorstep this morning.

While I haven't read much of The War of Art, I'm fairly confident Pressfield has a strong message of perseverance, as does Pausch, with his brick wall metaphor. Right now I'm at a point where I'm not sure if, should I fail the first attempt to hurdle the wall that is UCSD admissions, if my course of action should be persevering towards an inferior university plan, or change directions.

Pressfield seems to imply that changing directions would be giving in to Resistance (tm) and ennui.

Oh indecisive, indecisive, inconsistent I.