Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Cycles of self

The overnight has lost its magic somewhat. At this time of day I'm usually beat down and focused, but tonight my mind is still scattered and distracted, tugged on my obligations and experiments that are not quite living up to my expectations.

In a manner of speaking, the obligation is the experiment, or at least they are one in the same as both refer to the letter writing I've done as of late. It's still an intense and enjoyable experiment; maybe the intensity is wearing on me.

I've come to notice more and more in the past couple weeks that I go through definite cycles of personality as each day wears on. As of yet, I haven't been able to formulate a perfect metaphor, but have considered levels of water in a glass, a multilayered jawbreaker, and many layers of socks.

It's not a revelation that our brains operate slightly differently at the end of the day versus at the beginning. From many sources I have heard the advice about sleeping on a problem because it will look much more different in the light of day. Perhaps that right there is an argument for not writing letters before I go to bed, but it is only near the end of the day, when my mind is worn out and laid raw, that I have the impulse to put myself out there by writing to friends and family.

An exchange with my grandmother has been the most eye-opening so far, although on a meta-level. My dad's mother is a sweet woman who raised three children, adored six grandchildren, and three great-grandchildren. Since her husband died a few years ago her mental health has waxed and waned, and I'm wondering if recent reports of her lucidity have been exaggerated. Or maybe I was expecting too much?

Both to my grandmother and my brother I wrote things I wouldn't say in person. I wrote them in earnest late at night, and when I rose the next day I questioned my actions. Maybe it was also late at night when I made the determination to be a diligent letter-writer, and this whole thing is a fallacy to the core. The decision was made when I felt the pull to become a stronger friend and people-person, but most recently my ratio of friendships has gone from equally mixed to a higher quantity of slowly maturing relationships.

I may be writing this from that "she's high on hours, she's getting crazy!" standpoint. Instead of tackling this short list of letters to prepare, I'm going to grant myself a reprieve from paying attention to them until I get a revitalizing hit of sunshine, fresh air, and open road.




PS: Since I'm here, I'll take a moment to reflect on self-challenge and related matters. While The Program has been derailed (along with many other things), the spirit continues on with me making small changes most weeks, if not most days. I'm lucky to be able to pay such close attention to my mental currents and undercurrets. And I think my leg is doing better, which means yoga resumption draws closer!

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home