Girl's got issues.

A decade ago, or even as little as six years ago, I would notice people I knew online dropping out of the face of the internet and be baffled by it. The effect was even more acute (back before facebook) when I would meet someone, find out they had accounts on sites I was familiar with, make digital contact, and then stop seeing updates from them. I could not understand what could cause these acquaintances to slip away from the digital sphere. Sure, I knew that they were out there Doing Things, but in my mind Doing Things meant there was more to write about, more to share on Livejournal.

And then I got busy.

Oh. I see.

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But that's not what pushed me back to my keyboard today. What brings me back is actually one of the ideas of the blogosphere, the kind of issue that gets tweeted and linked and forwarded and shared, the kind of issues that many bloggers with uteruses put on their Real Faces for.

Body image.

The reason I'm bothering to write about it instead of just heading over to one well-known body-related blog or another is that none of the posts I've read quite speak to my form of the Body Issue that I'm dealing with. Also, I'm dealing with it, and it's my blog, just like it's my body, so I want to say something. :P

I've gained weight.

I can still usually fit in the (generous) size 0 dresses I have, and often pick out the XS size to try on at a store, but there's no denying that some pants are fitting better, some pants are fitting worse, and with some pants I no longer need to wear a belt with. I see pockets of fat cells under my skin, I feel parts of my body touching each other and... it sucks.

Yes, I'm a healthy weight, yes, I'm (visually) an okay shape, but I can't deny the fact that I'm hitting an age where keeping the same diet and exercise patterns (patterns best described as 'benignly apathetic') aren't going to help me keep the physical condition they did 5 years or a decade ago.

But my id hasn't caught on yet. I know I should be eating more green things and fewer high fat content snacks. But despite my changing body, I'm having a hard time *caring*. It bothers me that I'm out of breath so quickly when I go hiking, but I haven't yet been motivated to put a plan into action. It should be easy. Once I start, it should all be breezy days between me and that idealized form of self that is comfortable looking in the mirror. I have all the muscle memory of a gymnast, a dancer, an athlete. I remember sprints, flexibility, and lifting heavy things with little strain. But maybe those memories are why it's so hard to start. The goal is *too* easy.

I'm pretending to try right now. I did a little bit of yoga, and I'm in the arduous process of syncing the C25k app to my iPod, but I'm still not energized about the amorphous "getting in shape".

C25k is a decent kind of goal, but since I have no interest in running a 5k, a bit hollow. Trail running is a little more my style, but not exactly "wake up and go" accessible, same with swimming. (Dear Kang, I want to swim. Even though my bathing suit is... get this... too loose to go too fast in. (It comes close to coming off when I dive.))

Maybe I just need to find interesting and achievable goals within the lousy parameters I have around me.

Like being able to walk 50 yards on my hands. Or do an unassisted handstand for a full minute. Or running a mile uphill without stopping. Those sound interesting enough. And let's throw in "touch my heels to the floor" for good measure. (It's a downward dog/yoga thing.)

Upper body strength. Balance (and strength). Cardio. Flexibility.

Great. Now if I get those (or close to them), I should be in good shape to dance when the opportunities come along. :o)

I'm less worried about food than exercise. For all my affinity for cheese crackers and sour cream (not together), I trend towards green things when they are available. Even if it means cutting open a "steam in bag!" bag of veggies to make myself an omelet.