Sunday, September 30, 2007

fight fight fight, rah rah rah

I'm within spitting distance of the end of Atlas Shrugged. I admit, I skimmed over 40 pages of the transcription of a 3 hour radio broadcast, but I don't think I missed too much.

In any case, I'm within spitting distance of the end and sleep is climbing rapidly to claim me. For the next few pages I'm going to sit on the floor of my office and hope discomfort will keep me attentive.




I like the book and think it's a great thing to be read and discussed among curious people who aren't in it to change minds. But I'm ready for it to be over.

There are sooty marks on some of my fingers from rubbing against the cheap ink on cheap paper. One thousand pages in a week or less... is that something to be proud of?

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Dancing Robots

Same idea as yesterday... I don't like it as much, but I was shooting for shorter...


She rolled back and forth across the tiny dressing room as I tried to eat my dinner. Back and forth, back and forth. She didn't even try to turn around before reversing directions. Even when I lowered my head to eat my soup, I could see her moving in the corner of my eye. With a sigh I put down my spoon and untucked the napkin at my throat.

"Glenda, I need you to keep still so I can concentrate." I placed a hand on her waist to activate the motion-override circuit, then pushed and turned Glenda to a spot by the sofa where she could see the whole room. Before removing the hand on her waist, I touched the switch at the base of her spine to prohibit further movement, an action which, six months ago, would have caused me great anguish. Now it only released a sigh of relief in my heart.

I returned to my soup and she said to me, "Robert, I don't want to perform tonight." The soup was getting cold, staring back at me as I listened to Glenda's words. Her speech was chopped and stilted, sounds picked from a dictionary, cut from the fluid, lingual melody of a familiar voice. Not for the first time, I saw a ransom note in my mind, and the mangled newspaper the words were taken from. I tried to read the note instead of listening to Glenda.

She repeated her pitchless plea. "Robert, I don't want to perform tonight."

"That's alright." I stood up again and walked to a massive case that stood in a corner. Opening it I said, "She can do it instead." I reached into the box and drew towards me a figure that matched Glenda's form perfectly.

"Robert, I--" Nobody had taught Glenda how to understand or describe the betrayal that was happening so openly in front of her. "Robert, I--"

The stuttering continued as I moved around the cramped space with my new partner. She was smoother, more responsive to my touch. I smiled as best as I could when a stage hand leaned into the room and said, "Mr. Mulligan," to announce that my moment had come.

I walked, she rolled, and behind us Glenda's flat, paperscrap, ransom note words fluttered behind us. "Robert, I--"

I looked at her replacement, but she did not look back at me. We practiced our steps in the wings. None of the little tricks Glenda knew, learned long ago from my wife, my original partner, were there. But when she turned to me and said, "I am ready," my love's words weren't there either.

At the appointed moment, we moved into the blinding lights of the stage. All through the performance I told myself, "it's the lights. It's the lights reflecting off her new burnished body. It's the bright reflection putting the water in my eyes."

oy and forgotten

Today was an unusual day, fraught with socialization and eyestrain. Only one of those things is bad.

To make up for my lack of drawing today, I did some writing when i woke up (see previous post) and put a dent in my "to watch" pile of things that make me smile.


Friday, September 28, 2007

Swimming with the Elephants (draft)

A story inspired by this photo. Click the pic to see where I found it.



Of all the stories my grandfather told us, this was my favorite. The first time I heard it all nine of us grandchildren were up in the summer cabin where he spent all four seasons. There was a cold spell very early that year, and the city-raised of us young ones were already in awe when our grandfather tucked us into blankets in front of the fireplace like a row of little sausages to roast.

"Now I will tell you the story," my grandfather said, "of the only time I was ever afraid."

"This was the summer I spent in India, traveling with a few close friends. We exhausted the places that we had read about in newspapers. There were four of us from home, five if you count the fellow countryman that we met on the road to Bombay. Rajeev was the sixth in our little band. We hired him to be our guide in the wilder parts of the country, but six headstrong young men from London as we were are unlikely to be content following for long.

"In a matter of days we started taking roads that Rajeev did not recommend and knocking on doors that he hung back from. But he stayed on to be our translator anyways. It's still a mystery to me." My grandfather broke off here to smile into a dim corner of the room. "Maybe he was awestruck by the glamor of traveling with strapping young men." We could hear someone shaking with mirth in that dim corner, but us young ones were entranced by our grandfather's voice and did not turn to look. "Or maybe he was awestruck at the lengths we would go to prove that we were not mortal.

"On the day this story takes place we awoke in a small village on the bank of a great river. We had arrived so late the night before that none of the villagers had met us yet, but there was a great buzz of gossip when we emerged from a hut.

"Rajeev was in the thick of it, surrounded by several men and children. Though in western style clothes, he crouched in the dirt with the locals, speaking their language and paying close attention as they spoke rapidly and motioned with their hands. When he spotted me coming into the sunlight, Rajeev straightened quickly and came to meet me.

"'Alex! Alex! I've found your way to cross the river!' Rajeev was very animated, very exited as he came to greet me. 'You shall all travel here as the local people do. You will travel on elephants!' At the last word he swept one arm into the air, indicating the great size of the beasts.

"This was exciting news to my friends and me. We had been fascinated by the elephants we had seen and the men riding them, but had not been able to ride them yet, and Rajeev knew we had this wish. He had never steered us into trouble before (though he had been pulled there by us), so his judgment was trusted as sound.

"When all of us had woken, Rajeev took us into another hut and breakfast was brought for us. It was the most unusual dish I tried that summer, a mix of fruit, spices, and flavors I could not rightly identify. Henry asked what it was, and Rajeev translated for us that it was a special meal eaten by elephant tamers. A small crowd was waiting outside after we ate, but they did not address us. The villagers only followed as we were led to where, Rajeev said, 'the elephants wait.'

"We asked why the locals followed us. Rajeev said they were sad to see us go, but the feeling in the air was much more like a parade. We asked why there were only five elephants. Rajeev told us one for each, that he would find a different way to the next town. We asked who would lead us. Rajeev said the elephants knew what to do, as though they were a train of animals, that we would be taken care of at the next town. We asked how why the elephants did not have the colorful harnesses we saw the ones in other places wearing. We asked how we were supposed to hold on atop the elephants. We asked how we were supposed to climb onto the elephants. To each of these questions, Rajeev merely said that we had the opportunity to experience elephant riding like true tamers."

My grandfather paused, resting in his chair. We were all silent, waiting breathlessly to hear what would happen. After a moment of collecting his thoughts, my grandfather's voice rose again to fill the room.

"I was the first to climb aboard. The crowd watched silently as we jumped and stretched, trying to reach the backs of those ten-foot high beasts. I solved the problem by climbing up a nearby tree and leaping onto the closest elephant. It lurched beneath me, taking a few agitated steps, but my friends and I laughed. So did Rajeev. The man who had fed us breakfast, however, did not. There was a sharp look on his face, and he called out in his language.

"His words made the elephants still, as all of them had shifted anxiously. More words brought the elephants to their knees, even mine. My friends were quiet as they saw how easy it was to climb an elephant this way. Even the villagers were silent as each of us mounted our rides. The atmosphere of fun returned, however, when at the trainer's command, the elephants stood again, and began their lurching, swaying walk to the edge of the village near the river. Rajeev was laughing and talking loudest of them all.

"By the time we reached the water, each of us riders had found our own way to deal with the jolting gait of the elephants' stride. They did not stop or slow, but continued straight into the river, single file. All the people of the village, the elephant tamer, and Rajeev stopped behind us, cheering and waving as the elephants splashed on. I watched the people until I felt the first sharp dip forward, then turned my attention to the river we were beginning to cross.

"The water looked calm there, and the opposite bank was very long stone's throw away. I guessed in my mind that the water would be six feet deep in the middle; too deep for a man to cross, but no trouble for a massive elephant. We were only a quarter way across, no longer single file, when I began to feel that guess was dangerously wrong. Already the water had risen to my elephant's chin, and he still walked on. I scooted, as did my friends, from the beast's neck to the peak of his back, hoping to keep out of the rising water.

"A third of the way across the river the struggle to stay dry was lost, and the only struggle that remained was to maintain hold on the elephants. We were shouting to each other, but had no way to help, let alone reach, our friends. Rory was the first to lose his grip, lose hold of the elephant completely. I remember his shout, a wordless cry of fear, as the weight of water in his clothes dragged him into the river. The water was too deep, the ride was too rough, the elephants hides too slick and too steep. The elephants were swimming, and soon their riders were, too.

"Henry didn't fall in like the rest of us. He was standing, barefoot, braced on his ride's back. But Henry, such a good friend, couldn't simply watch his friends thrashing in the water. Henry jumped in, too, reaching out to help the weakest of the swimmers: me.

"The elephants weren't close together as they swam across that river, but that mattered little when we were under the water. Their massive feet swung back and forth, churning the river as they swam. Every movement created a powerful current that pushed me into one leathery body or pulled me towards another. I could sense the limbs kicking all around me, twisting me and holding me down in the frothy water.

"Henry jumped in, joining the struggle, but at first he was little help. We tumbled from the turmoil between two elephants straight towards another that swam behind them in the crossing of that great river. Henry tried to move me, pull my body out of the way, but I was flailing, sodden driftwood in his grasp. He couldn't twist me, wrench me out of the way of the great head that came toward us, tusks bobbing through the choppy water. All Henry's effort and might saved my head to my hips, but he could not prevent the spear of ivory from gouging my leg.

"My scream was lost underwater, and the river rushed into my mouth.

"They tell me it was many minutes later, but I only remember being on my back, on the hard earth of the bank, the next moment, having the life squeezed into me. There was laughing. I heard it faintly across the water."

The narrative broke off, and he was silent for a moment.

"Rajeev wasn't laughing. He stopped even before he saw that I was injured.

"He pulled a boat out of the reeds at the riverbank. Our things were already in it. When the elephant man tried to climb in with him, to retrieve his animals, Rajeev shoved him backwards, toppling the man over. He came to us and took me to a trustworthy doctor." He looked into the corner again. "He hasn't left me since." My grandfather's voice had a soft note of respect.

"Dad!" My mother's voice came suddenly from the doorway. "What kind of story are you telling those children?"

"A true one," he replied.

"And what message do you think it's going to send them?"

I could hear a laugh in my grandfather's voice as he answered, "It's important to know how to swim!"

The real sting comes hours later

Another coffee binge. If I want something hot to drink at Dennys, why don't I ask for decaf? Or limit myself to one cup?

These are words written without knowledge of what images I will be posting. All I know is that today made up for many days of no drawing, or too little drawing. And I even got through my back-log of reference photos and into the meaty 20,000 Leagues drawings again.




Today was amazingly successful in many ways. I hope there are more days like this to come. I am proud of what I have to post, and I am proud that Reagan laughed when I gave him M08B pages to read.

One practice I have (and enjoy) in this long-hand written project is changing what writing utensil I use every day. There's no shortage of them in this house. Felt-tip blue, ballpoint black, ballpoint blue, pencil. There's no pattern, and no purpose other than my own later reference to note where I left off one day or one sitting.

Funny that I had a more balanced day (in terms of quantities of various things being done) when I resigned myself to extremes of one thing or another, where as yesterday I was trying to make a schedule and ended up with extremes.

I can't post any of this in my LJ. It's too disgustingly happy.

Oh, you all must go read this Anti-Pragmatic Manifesto. It's wonderful. I wish I could've written it myself. :)

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you

No art today.

I made a couple bad choices in an otherwise good day. Most of them involved dinner.

Don't get me wrong, it tasted good, but the whole production cut a couple hours into my "drawing time".

I'll tell you this much: Schedules suck. I never want to stop what I'm doing to move on to the other things I want to do. Yes, I complained about this yesterday, but, really, 24-hour days cramp my style.

But I'm very happy with the writing I'm doing and very happy with the reading I'm doing, and joyfully angry at the yoga work-out I got this morning (it was difficult, but felt good).

The writing project is scripting for the for-fun comic I'll be starting to thumbnail in about four days, starting to draw-ink(-color(?)) in 35 days, and slowly release onto the internet in approximately three months.

The writing won't be done by then. I'm working at a pace of about five longhand pages a day, which is ten to twenty pages of drawing (wow), and accounts for three or four scenes. Those latter figures are approximations. In the stack of paper I have "completed", I've worked through less than a third of the story I want to tell. If I was reading any book other than Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged that might be a problem for me.

Instead, I am reading that book, immersing myself in the many details and events of these characters lives. In reading Atlas Shrugged, it is important to me that I am 600 pages into a book with almost 1100 pages and there is still the possibility in my mind that the blurb on the back cover about it being "a mystery story... about the murder--and rebirth--of a man's spirit" could refer to at least two different characters.

The story I'm writing isn't a fantasy novel, or pop-fiction, or a screenplay, or anything that will end up with three clear acts with comfortably predictable pacing. I'm glad that it's not possible to see the end from the beginning, to hold the story in hand and say "okay, I can judge how many pages are left for me to get through"

Yes, if this is ever published in a print format those things will be untrue, but I'm not thinking about eventualities like that now. I'm thinking of the journey of exploration I want to take readers on. Something that they will like enough to trust me and follow me into the jungle of the main character's life It won't be a rollercoaster, but a safari through one man's experiences, detailing the new reality of his life when that man uses a Magic 8 Ball to make his decisions.

I've had fun getting to know this character. I meet his friends and his enemies, his family and his crushes. I've watched him quit his job and get a dog. I've watched him try new things without hesitation, and resist the status quo. Today this new man in my life flew home to a family member's sickbed, and tomorrow he will make a confessor out of an old friend.

And that old friend? Let me tell you-- bad jokes.

There was no art today, but there was accomplishment.

I still believe that this M08B is something I will be proud of, and I can't wait till I have more to share.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

My life is so hard...

... in all ridiculous ways. Don't believe what you read in the papers! The difficulty in my life comes from needing to prioritize among my many fascinating interests, and make time to steep myself in the media works I find so attractive. I also need to return to the iPod so I find out what's been going on in the world.

Today I had a very good, very productive day. Mostly.

But first, the last of the winter's stores of scans. I vow to return to my study of 20,000 Leagues tomorrow.




A great part of the day was a walk to Ex Libris and back. Not even the two new sketchbooks could slow me down! One is for usual sketching (only about 10 pages left in my Strathmore), and one is for my great 08 project.

I call it the 08 project because I will be working on it for all 2008, and also because a main character is a Magic Eight Ball. It's so special, it gets it's own sketchbook. But it's not special enough to get a red sketchbook. Red book for a story about a black ball!? Preposterous!

Other parts of the day included writing a number of pages for said story.

Many, many exciting things. I'm excited to leave my computer and read Atlas Shrugged. I'm excited to get up tomorrow, do yoga and find the next piece of my story.

I'm excited for the season premiers of Heroes, House, and Bones. *blush*

But I'm more excited by gardens, fresh produce, phonographs, classical music, and drawings that capture jazz. And language.

busy busy busy, tired tired tired.




I wonder if I'll ever get tired of stating the truths about life.

I hate it when I can notice and feel my tongue and the inside of my mouth (when I'm not using it)

Those two statements are not related.

I am reading Atlas Shrugged. It takes as much time as I let it.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Suddenly staying up late...

... again. *blorsh* But it's no surprise as today turned out to be a fantastically "normal" day. Reading, writing, drawing. Finished Lake Wobegon Days and waded hip deep into Atlas Shrugged. Spent a good chunk of time writing an outline and another good chunk talking about it with Reagan.

Drawing has mostly been of the catch-up kind, but my confidence level is returning. Such as it is.


Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Picking up where we left off

I shall ignore the length of my absence of posting, assume that you missed me as much as I missed you, and get on with it, assuming that if I start working at this again my brilliance shall return.




There's a new PostIt in my life, in my line of sight as I sit at my PC and it reads "HAVE WILLPOWER". It's working so far.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

It's all I can do...

Today was better than yesterday, as far as productivity and Good Use Of Time. Lots of cooking, lots of drawing. Ending on an up note like this makes me look forward to tomorrow. :D


Monday, September 10, 2007

feeling good, feeling good...

Even if I seldom understand, I'm feeling good.



Nothing terribly remarkable. 20000 Leages above, some doodled crafts below. I fell a little out of step recently, and Reagan's been phenomenally supportive. I'm proud that he is an important part of my life.



I think that early afternoon is the most bizarre time for me to go to bed.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

I still do drawing!

Didn't you miss it? :)




Two posts without art. Big deal, wasn't it? I'm getting back in the swing of things, though.

Like when you get on the swings at a playground and need a few back-and-forths before the synergy of leaning too and fro and pumping your legs winds up and propels you to new heights and through periodic lows. At frightening speed.

Dear Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,

I heard some news today that I really must share with you. A favorite author of ours, Madeline L'Engle, passed away last week. While I was sharing this news with some people, I talked about how MLE helped shape my identity. That was one strong memory tied to her that brought tears to my eyes.

You are the other big memory connected to Madeline L'Engle, and the one that hurts more. Pulling out the old photographs and memories only sharpens the taste of loss. Do you remember those middle school days of relative ease? We had math together in a portable near the edge of campus and Mr. Johnson taught there. We sat at the back and before class we would exchange thoughts and notes on whatever L'Engle novel we recently read. You introduced me to her more "grown-up" books, and I remember taking notes while reading A Ring of Endless Light. Even at the close of our friendship, however, I was still wary of reading something as mature as House Like a Lotus (or was it Camilla? Maybe both.)

After thinking about those shared literary experience, other thoughts of junior high cascade down around me. Drama, camping, Washington DC, lunches, sleepovers, PE, Pepper, that funny round chair, and your neighbor I never got along with. And, with incredible embarrassment, the day I hurt you and we stopped being friends. Looking back, I can't remember what I was thinking, but I yell at my past self, walking around the soccer field, I yell at myself not to do it, it's not worth it, you don't know the pain you're causing...

But that's how it was. Me being an idiot, finding out years later, and then a few distant meetings in the halls at high school.

I really am sorry.

It's possible that only soft-focus memories of the past make me miss you, and that our friendship would've gone more drastically awry in high school, or some time since then. Are those two years, nearly ten years ago themselves, those two years of friendship worth me now looking and hoping for a revival? Or if not revival, some kind of contact or "keep in touch" everyone promised in yearbooks way back when.

I do look. Now and then when I'm feeling nostalgic I'll google your name and try to read between the poets and photographers and see if some sign of you is there. It worked one time, kinda. There was an article about you in a play at a college on the east coat. No kind of contact information, though. But I was happy to see you were still doing what you love.

Once I even tried MySpace. It was silly. MySpace isn't your style. It was a long shot and a bust in the end, but I tried.

I know you're out there, Elizabeth. I want you to know Madeline L'Engle died last week, passing at 88 of natural causes. I'll miss her.

I miss you, too.

Love,

Annie

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Hungover from coffee...

Not really, although that java I drank yesterday really destroyed my sense of time and shattered any "rhythm" I had going in my life. As such, it feels like there's a day that went by without me drawing in my sketchbook.

On the upside, I have a stack of 15 comic pages newly written, in varying stages between script and thumbnail. It's going to be a large experimental project for the duration of 2008 (well, really, from now till the end of 2008), and I'm still rather insecure about it.

There are large disconnects between what I feel is the normal process of creating and what I am doing. I feel that what I am doing doesn't make any sense, and I have trouble explaining (to people that matter to me) why my plans are logical and okay.

And on top of that communication difficulty, I'm concerned about the story being good. It's a situation of paradoxes.

A new comparison I just thought of is that it's like NaNoWriMo, where the goal is to produce 50,000 words of a novel draft in 30 days. Quality, to a certain degree, takes a back seat to accomplishment. My purpose is similar. I want to create and push myself on this project for the sake of accomplishment and progress in my craft. I'm not doing it for love, money, a publishing deal, fame, or Art.

In 2008, I will create my first graphic novel.

Over the next four months I will plot and script and thumbnail. In the next four months I will draft a schedule for posting pages during the coming year. And I will stick to that schedule.

At the end of 2008, I will pump my fist in the air, proclaim "I have done it!", and a world of possibilities will open up before me.

At the end of 2008 I will know I can tell a story. In 2009 I will work on telling good stories.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Drunk on coffee

Yes, you heard right. I'm drunk on coffee. This is what happens when someone who does not usually imbibe caffeine* has a very strong cup of java near her usual bedtime. I don't drink soda regularly, and while I sometimes drink tea, it's not a common thing during summer.

Jitter.

Reagan's been threatening me with my own scanner. While it would make some things easier, it makes me sad that these surprises of not knowing what I'm posting till I'm in the process of writing the post will go away.




For those of you who do not know, that's a rough doodle of Reagan at the bottom. I wasn't really concentrating on drawing while sketching that.

I like that I have 3 words to describe what I do.

Speaking of words, today marked an occasion in quotes and post-its. The wall to my right is full of notes with personal ideas, the wall behind me is dedicated to closet, doors, closet doors, and post-its with quotes. I find them inspirational for developing characters around the thoughts. Usually the quotes come from "Quote of the Day", but mere hours ago I pulled one from a John Ciardi "On Words" 'podcast'. They're archived from before I could talk and reformatted into podcasts for the modern audience.

The podcast is on etymology, tracing back words to their roots and what the phrases they come from used to mean. In this particular episode he had a tangent about what "the lion's share" originally meant. At the end Mr. Ciardi said, "Do not be so right that you will be misunderstood" He followed that with a comment about language and lingusitic conventions that I didn't quite understand the full mapping of, but I think I got the gist of it.

John Ciardi got a post-it for that.

----

*what kind of phonetic (or any other) rules does the spelling of caffeine follow!?

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Productivity hurts my ears

These images are laughably old. From, like, a week ago. No, more than that. I was trying to place it in "number of pages back", but I lost count somewhere around 60. I think it's closer to 80. There is an explanation for why I'm posting these pages when I've done 80 more since then, but it is not comprehensible for the minds of mere mortals (read: my logic isn't logical when I write it out loud).




To get done the bulk of work I want to get done, I must sit in one place for multiple hours each day.
To sit in one place for multiple hours, even if they're not all right next to each other, I must maintain my focus.
To maintain my focus, I must distract my brain.
To distract my brain for multiple hours each day and still retain my ability to use my eyes and hands, I must listen to the timely playback of audio recordings.
To hear the timely playback of audio recordings, I must wear headphones (no speakers on the PC, and the mac's don't get loud enough. Also, not as many audio recordings on my mac).
Headphones hurt my ears, as they are made of hard, unyielding plastic.

Vicious, vicious cycle.

Although when i say "productive", and mean "I'm grouchy if I don't do at least 6 pages in my sketchbook every day", then realize that I've drawn 80 pages worth of doodles ever, much less in the last two weeks, I start wondering if among all this sketch-like talking I actually have something to say. I wonder if all this practice is truly resulting in progress.

I'm under house arrest until we get the registration on our car figured out.

Hobbies I would like to pick up are going to jazz clubs and playing the Theremin.

And I wonder if among all this jabber-like talking I actually have something to say.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Is it real?

It's amazing how quickly the posts rack up when I push myself to be so diligent. One of the downsides of all this technology, however, is the missing tactile relationship between crafter and crafted. When I was younger and writing a lot in spiral notebooks one of the most relished feelings was paper with the texture of ballpoint writing on both sides of the sheet.

Now I watch the change of pages from the "clean" side of my sketchbook to the "drawn" side. It's very satisfying. I wonder what a stack of 60-some blog posts feels like.

And so, your daily dose of 20k. I mean Captain Nemo. In my exercises today, I drew a lot of shirtless James Mason.



Making cameo appearances in the second page here are birds drawn from Birdchick photos. From this post, I believe. Birds are so very different from humans, I like the addition of the feathered friends into my daily warm-ups. Or if not daily, as often as Sharon posts images of birds.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

I may be normal soon




I told you I had a crush on Captain Nemo. :)



Besides the usual (20k Leagues, the current status quo) above you see some unreferenced sketches for the colonial-esq design project I have brewing, and some coyotes referenced from the wonderful library of photos at Corbis. Like Getty images, just better.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

*giggles*

Blogger has been lame lately, not properly uploading posts and pictures and telling me what's going on, so here are three pages and we'll say we're square. I've been drawing, and me being able to look in the mirror and say that is what counts most. :)



I have a crush on Captain Nemo. :x




And I have a crush on Bob Boilen of NPR's All Songs Considered, too.