Two weeks

Day 14!

Three neat little victories today, two directly related to my self-challenge, the third only tangentially so.

1) I did yoga "on time".
2) Closed some tabs even though it was after noon.
3) did some drawing while a friend was over.

The third is the strongest victory for me. (And now I'm doing actual post writing while said friend is still here!) Never before have I taken it upon myself to relax enough around someone else that I'll draw more than wiggly doodles. The "plan" is to gain confidence to do this more often, and eventually around people other than my closest friends. :)

---

Today I thought that I would go back to the first few posts, pull out key words or phrases, and evaluate how I've followed through with them. Looking back at those posts, primarily this one from the first day, I experience an odd, out-of-self feeling. I'm listening to myself in the past, but the not-to-distant past. Maybe the better term is "duplicate self", as memories of that day are still clear in my mind, still lively. They bubble to the surface as I read the words from that day, quite different from the memories I recall from many months and years past. (And I take a short recess to do just that.)

While I've never been uncomfortable speaking my mind here on the internet (where values of 'speaking my mind' are equal to being introspective and rarely shying away from personal things unless they involve other people), it's so strange to see myself spread out like I do when reading old entries. Thousands of times I've opened the pages of the internet to a clean sheet and trickled my thoughts through my fingers. Thousands of limited copies of myself, expressing the moment, the "now" that is "then". Baffling. Older selves are so alien to my current perspective. All the days and hours I've piled atop that time have squashed it flat, and I can tell it's a me-that-was.

To compare now to the me-that-was fourteen days ago, when I started this project...

... I actually have very little to say. In the past couple days I've mentioned small alterations that have happened, and tiny problems with this process, but the bulk remains unchanged.

I took a walk that was supposed to revitalize my thought process, but now everything just feels flat and lame. Banging my head against the keys won't help, so I'll wrap up with some recent scans and try to be interesting tomorrow.




I need a better method for scanning stuff in a hardbound sketchbook. Or to not draw so close to the binding.

Thinking too much or just enough?

Day 13. With certainty.

Today I had a couple interesting, irrational reactions to things. They were bad/negative reactions, but I manged to understand them and eventually calm myself... with the help of some TLC from my wonderful, patient husband.

The first, I got upset when Reagan wanted to go swimming today (this was before bed Tuesday night, for swimming Wednesday). Part of it was being mildly jealous that he gets to go out of the house and *do (specific) things* where I don't because all the things I want to do are far away or cost more money than swimming. I could go with him when he goes to swim laps, but I'm not as strong of a swimmer, and I'd be pushing myself to keep going, to improve. That's a good thing in general, but I'm already pushing myself to improve drawing and yoga on a daily basis (and running on an every-other-day basis). Adding another physical, solitary uphill climb doesn't sound like good times to me.

That right there is a limitation to my self-challenge phase. I hypothesize that if I wasn't consciously trying to build my abilities in drawing and yoga/running, it would be no big deal to go swimming and keep up or not. It's as though I can only internally motivate myself to improve a small number of skills at a time.

The other odd reaction was more arbitrary and bizarre. I got uncomfortable when I saw Reagan with our digital camera, getting ready to do some "camwhoring" (his word). Objectively, I don't have a problem with this. After all, the camera is shared property... in the sense that we bought it after we were married for joint use. Small note: at least 90% of the pictures taken with said camera have been taken by me. There is no specific division of property between us, but it felt unprecedented for him to use something that's primarily my domain without him asking. Also, after remembering the camera had been in the bag I use as a purse, I felt as though my personal space had been invaded with no warning.

In general, I think it's a good thing that we still have some semblance of personal boundaries, that we haven't meshed into a single blob. Now that I think about it, things like this have happened before... usually with me getting particular about what items on my desk can leave my sight and for how long. :P Good to know it wasn't totally unprecedented.

Reagan assures me there are no hard feelings. :P

As far as actual productivity, I managed to close tabs of "study" material today (even though it was after noon) and jot down a few pages of notes, concepts to weave into my own storytelling later.


Lovers wearing cutoffs at the swimming hole
reading the classics in languages they don't
know and that they alone understand

---

somehow I know I made it to the
door and delivered the message
but here I still am, walking
an endless sidewalk to that
strange and crooked house

---

pile of dead woman (with no body)--
upon death a person's spirit
flows into their possessions
ultimate humiliation and terror
to die naked.

How pretentious. x) But, really, I write the notes in loose blocks on unlined paper in different directions so I can tell one thought from another. They often end up looking like strange flowcharts with arrows going from one place to another. I use my own conceptual shorthand in a few different places to remind myself of tropes and tones... those notes sound even less intellectual.

I'm also happy with the drawing I did today. Pencils aren't as scary as I made them out to be. You may see today's sketches tomorrow. *coy smile* These are from yesterday:

Counting the days

Today is day 12.

Nearing the end of the first 14, and in many ways this self-challenge project has been very successful. The failures--days of missing scheduled times and missing elements altogether--are so slight that I'm not even going to dwell on them. While the key goals of each day are "rules", the times (3pm yoga, 6pm drawing, 12am posting) are more like guidelines (she says as noting that the timestamp on this post is exactly 12:00). :)

I want to do a review/rundown of the things I planned on day one of this self-challenge because I like reflecting on progress and what works/doesn't, but I'll leave that for a more "official" benchmark and spend posting time today on the practice of counting the days.

In the last five days I've lost count. Not to an extent I can't recover from, I've simply had to check previous blog posts and think about, "what day am I on now?" Maybe I'm getting lucky and the "habits" I'm trying to give myself are happening sooner than the 21 days rule of thumb I've always known. But during the day I never think to myself "this is day X", and somehow integrate that into my actions.

Day counting is something I like because it encourages quantifiablity. It's like adding jellybeans to a jar or pebbles to a pitcher or coins to a collection. By posting at the 'close' of a day, I'm notarizing it and adding it to a stack that grows, albeit slowly. I can look back and see changes from week to week or between scores of days. Day counting helps when I'm trying to gradually step-up my self accountability and give mini-deadlines to accomplish mini-goals.

It gives a distinct feeling of success to count days. I can look back and quantify the trend of challenging myself and doing specific, positive things everyday.

Another positive aspect of counting, closely relate to quantity, is that giving each day a sequential number that is significant to my life gives those days identity and importance. Each 24 hours is an individual link forged in a chain. This metaphorical chain is keeping me out of murky depths, and staying out of that abyss makes it important for me to make a link in the chain every day, even if it's flimsy and made out of string. In the metaphor I have no actual mass, so strength isn't as important as existence.

I'm not getting mystical and metaphysical to the point where I consciously and specifically honor each day and its gifts, and I'm not in straits so dire that missing one day entirely, with or without good reason, will send me it the lacuna, never to return. I simply believe it's easier to have the trend go from weaker to stronger than from nothing at all to something. I count the days. I name them. I do my best to make each one count.

Problems with counting the days.

My self-challenge is different from the kind of day-counting associated with, say, keeping sober. Well, I could choose for it to be the same as sobriety, or days a factory goes accident-free. Doing so might put heavier import on th process, and make me more familiar with saying "Okay... day one!" If slacking was drinking, and hitting all my goals every day was staying sober, I'd definitely have fallen off the wagon in the past 12 days. Right now, for example, I've not drawn a lick! (What has happened today to come later.) Instead, I've chosen to make half-assed days, partially complete days, still be valid in my experiences (see: chain metaphor).

I like recognizing the ups and downs in a continuous project. I also like that keeping a tamper-free running tally discourages me from giving up on a day midway through, or, after failing, taking a day off.

Another quibble with counting days, from a strict "productivist" point of view, is when I forget self-goal 'deadlines' and neither reflect on that goal nor create a new one. This has only happened once so far. After Day 3 (I'd link, but the post is long and the bits I'm calling out scattered within it) I declared Monday the 21st "Day 1 of 7", starting a new phase (in a larger goal of working towards invoking flow) in which I turned off the distractions of AIM for a few hours during the day. I intended to follow up after a week, which was two days ago. Didn't happen. Life got in the way. While the concept of secluding myself continued, both in my mind and in practice, the structure for the decision was lost.

That bit--getting lost in the structure--is the primary argument against a day-counting system (of any kind). A theme briefly touched on in West Wing was the press corps writing a process story or an issue story, from the standpoint that issue story = good/meaty, and process story = bad/distraction. Day counting is process, accomplishments are issues.

Even in the past couple weeks I've gotten into the Flow of achieving these small daily goals, and usually in a substantive way. Except for when I name them in my midnight posts (by looking it up), I'm often as ignorant of my self-challenge day as I am the date (and I'm usually ignorant about the date). While I'm in the thick of it, I deemphasize the Day and play up what I'm getting done on that day.

Despite wanting to grow my self-challenge and practices in an organic way, a timetable for new elements breaks that down. Amazingly enough, right now I'm in a place of accomplishment Flow that benchmarks (3 Days, 10 Days, 14 Days, 20 Days, etc.) seem irrelevant.

Oddly enough, one day after I neglected to account for a benchmark, a new way to challenge myself came about anyways, in the form of a new artistic medium. Proof (enough for my uses, anyway) that organic growth works! The brain knows when it needs a new challenge.

I dispense--for now--with mini-goals. It's on a post-it in my line of sight that I'm working towards a "ritual for invoking Flow". At the moment self-challenge is working for me in a flow-type way. I'm not going to argue. When the accomplishment-muse leaves me and each day is a struggle, I'll revisit the idea.

Thusly, I dispense with today's introspection.

Today I also dispensed with 671 blog posts over 6.5 hours and added 815 images to my reference library. I am pleased.

Yoga was good. I think I feel progress, and that makes me more enthusiastic to practice each day. I still want to pursue a teaching certificate at some point in the future.

Running was excellent. I definitely noticed progress. I ran farther today (without stopping) than I've yet managed in this round of Annie vs. the Road. I can't give you a total distance, as my laps measured 1.5 miles (running and walking), but there was much going back and forth along a particular leg as Reagan finished his 3 miles.

I've been too busy and scared to draw yet, but I will get on that, especially as I have nothing to post right now. A couple pages of pen-sketching, then the dreaded [creepy-spooky text]pencil[/creepy-spooky text].

Oh, and there was an earthquake this morning. I wondered (and hoped!) that Katie and Ryan (who were supposedly at Disneyland) felt it. Not everyone who visits CA gets to experience our natural disasters! Especially while at one of our top man-made attractions!

In summary:
+ Today is Day 12
+ Two week Self-Challenge update soon
+ Good things of day counting in a self-challenge context:
-- Encourages quantifiability
-- Each day is identified as an individual and given importance
+ "Bad" things of day counting in the context of my self-challenge:
-- Imperfect days around counted, too.
-- Counting the days can get in the way of living them
+ I'm in a Flow of accomplishment and lose track
+ I dispense with "official" benchmarks, and mini-goals/deadlines

+ Earthquake!
+ Yoga!
+ Running!
+ Drawing?
+ Writing post. @_@

One day at a time...

Although right now I'm going two days at time.

Sunday went well, despite being a long tiring day. I got a lot of love from a lot of good people. I did some bleh sketching to keep to it, and at least thought about yoga amid all the walking and sitting. What with it being a long tiring day with over 100 miles of driving after 8pm and 10 hours of moving around and socializing before 8pm, I'm okay with no actual practice.

Monday is a slam dunk, even with turning off the internet for some hours of drawing. :P

Something important that I have to work on now and pay attention to is focusing on the here and now and taking things one day at a time. Certain parts of my future are decidedly uncertain, and there's nothing useful I can do about it now. A new, unexpected possibility came to light over the weekend, but is so tenuous that I'm afraid to look directly at it.

I have to be patient to figure out Reagan's dates. I have to be patient to figure out my plans. The best way I've figured out to accomplish that patience and not overthink things is to be more present for moment-to-moment things, like yoga practice and drawing.

Ah, drawing. Had a longer-than-usual talk with Reagan about my progress, lack there-of, and frustration there-with. The advice he gave me doesn't make any sense, and scares me. He wants me to cross-train.

I've been pen-sketching for quite a while now, and while some things are improving, other things aren't. The regression isn't complete, but I stopped drawing regularly for a while, and when I came back, I'm not as happy with my pages of sketchbook as I once was.

I showed Reagan my current work, then drawings from 2/3 of a sketchbook ago, and pointed out how much cleaner and more coherent things were then. "I want to get back to this", I told him over and over again. Rather than pointing out specific things I need to improve upon, or giving tips/reminders on how to draw hips, Reagan hands me a pencil and says, "Try this."

In no uncertain terms, I am scared to change media. Typing it out, I realize how ridiculous that sounds, but it's true. He tells me to take a detour to get from where I am to where I was and want to be again, and that kind of off-roading freaks me out. I feel like he's telling me to improve my English by speaking Spanish, when I don't even know Spanish.

At other times I have wanted to branch out at some distant part in the future and try different techniques in drawing, but I never expected it to happen like this. I expected a graceful retirement, or at least to be winning races in the breast-stroke before switching to the butterfly. I'm a builder switching from cement to brick at the early stage of a project, and freaking out--"MY FOUNDATION!!"--... forgetting that brick can make a good foundation, too. In fact, my foundation will be stronger if it has both cement and brick, instead of just the one.

Enough with the silly metaphors. I think I've made my point clear. I'll go in this new direction, but I will be objecting along the way that it makes no sense and worry that I'm doing it wrong. :P



For those keeping track (just me), today was Day 11.

Remote Post

Aggressive anti-planning

I'm, against all odds, in San Diego.

Did yoga when I woke up, rode down to North County, attended a wedding, and got kidnapped by my husband to spend the last day of SDCC with him.

I only have my sketchbook, clean underpants, and deodorant.

Knowledge breeds planning, planning breeds expectations, so I kept knowledge as low as possible as long as possible.

I am well tipped, and hopefully tomorrow's surprise visit to the con will breed no stress. It will, however, breed drawing as I intent to attend a pre-noon panel on drawing Star Wars (for the panelist, not the subject).

Being well tipped and on a strange computer means no drawings today.

But I'm glad how things turned out. Have a good weekend, mon cher amis.

Accounting, Part II

Day 9

Oh, um. Long walk... I actually didn't think much, which was nice. Halfhearted yoga, and full hearted drawing (well, 90%) while watching the second half of Prime Suspect.

But I did, at midnight, forcefully turn off AIM and do those two hours of drawing with little to no breaks for internet.

I think that, rather than watching more anime, I'll do that "bedtime" yoga and knock off while it's still a choice. :)

Accounting, Part I

I suppose that I should, in some way, account for my last 36 hours.

I woke up at 11 on Thursday (but didn't get as much sleep as the hour implies) and immediately got ready to go shopping with my mom. Apart from her dropping the bomb on my anti-planned autumn, it was good times, and we communicated well and had fun. I wore new shoes (heels) that I needed to get a top/dress to go with and by the end of the 6 or so hours of errands, my feet were hurting.

Besides writing a letter to Carol (and doing a little drawing in it), I didn't relax much until a couple hours later after I asked my mom to drive me to the craft store so I could get a new sketchbook. After a full day (8 hours?) of time with my mom, I was distinctly wanting to curl up and chill out with Reagan, but he'd been gone for 30 hours himself. Saad Annie. And since Reagan sent me a text message saying that he'd be having a beer with friends, I popped a bottle in the freezer so we could long-distance toast.

Well... I was "cranky" about being alone, so I picked out a big (20 oz.) bottle of strong (9%) stout. Needless to say the following hours were spent curled up in a nest of pillows with my laptop, chatting with friends online.

The relaxation and moderate buzz were very welcome.

In the most recent 24 hours, I've slept (and napped) and watched anime, plus a mild bit of internetting. Despite accomplishing no objective goals yesterday, I've pushed myself to accomplish exactly none of them today.

Yet.

I'm frustrated that I've gotten so little uninterrupted time... My mom, knowing I'm alone, finds excuses to come visit me. It's not excessive, but it happens often enough that I don't feel securely alone unless my parents are away or asleep, and with the former I can be conscious of their return.

This current malaise is likely enhanced by the irregular pounding coming from outside my window, but it is definitely enhanced by the fact that I'm down to only 16 hours until I have to concern myself with getting ready to go to San Diego tomorrow. As soon as I get home from that/wake up Sunday, I'll be concerned with cleaning up the house for Reagan to come home.

I'd love to mulligan these couple days and spend the remaining hours of freedom sleeping and finishing the anime I'm watching, but the show is entirely subtitled and I can't tell a thing about what's going on unless I'm looking at the screen. Despite sleeping fairly late today and napping in the afternoon, my energy levels are still low. Reagan would rightly fuss at me if I accomplished nothing more, though.

Day 6 gets full marks.
Day 7 gets a pass through the virtue of non-objective accomplishments.
Day 8 (today/Friday) gets a stern warning and a kick in the pants.

I'm going for a long walk. I'm sure I'll have more to say when I get back, and more energy to do things, too. For the time being I wanted to get these words out of the way so I wouldn't be distracted by remembering them while I'm enjoying the fresh air. :)

Ref's call

Day 6.

To be honest, I have drawn neither a lick nor a stick today, and it's well after midnight, not to mention after 6pm.

I think that drawing will happen after I get off this train and stop thinking about other people or the future. But you'll have to trust me on that one.

The yoga, too, was lackluster. And by all accounts I should go running today. I'm pushing these things to the back of my mind, though.

Reagan left this afternoon to go to SDCC without me. We were both very sad, but persevere. The real trouble, though, that threw a wrench into my plans of four days of holing up and listening only to the whisper of creativity inside me, came when he was only an hour or so gone. My mom offered me a way to make it to my sister-in-law's wedding on Saturday that I had given up hope of being present at.

I do want to be there with Reagan for Alexandria, so I'm glad to have a way to go. Between my mom offering and me agreeing, however, there was much stubborn frustration. It took a good hour of serious thinking, building mental models of communication, and examining my reasons for resisting before I acquiesced, and called Reagan's cell to tell him what needed to happen for things to work out on Saturday.

Today, a good 25 months into our marriage, Reagan and I had our first real phone discussion. (Where "discussion" means a conversation in which new ideas about issues are offered by both sides, and decisions are made that require further action and another conversation later. We've never been apart, and had working phones, and needed to coordinate things.

Communicating via telephone is... different. Knowing him well doesn't make it easy-peasy. I listen for minute clues in his voice, already distorted by technology and distance. The only advantage to cell over text is that we can be sure we have each other's uninterrupted, if not undivided, attention.

Tomorrow my mom's taking me out to look for wedding-appropriate garb. I'm going to do some quick sketching then get to sleep so I can get shopping (new sketchbook?) out of the way, then spend as much time as possible in my own head before the wedding. :P

I'm not proud of how today turned out in terms of self-challenge, but I'm satisfied.

String of Uneasy days

Day 5. Posting late.

The whole day was somewhat thrown for a loop when I woke up with what might only be described as a migraine around 6am... perhaps 24 hours ago. But I don't know if 3 tylenol and sleep are enough to make a true migraine go away. All I know is that I couldn't see or stand, and was constantly writhing and crying out in pain until the nausea overcame me, and the resulting adrenaline helped me calm down enough to drink some water and take some pills.

So... extra sleep happened after that. Not that I normally get up at 6, but I let myself sleep more than I would've otherwise.

Chilled in the afternoon, waiting for things to happen. Draco showed up, we shopped around, Reagan got off work, we ate In-N-Out, then stopped off at home because the movie wasn't starting for another 80 minutes. Internal angst was resolved there because I got to say hello to relatives who were over for my grandfather's birthday, and give the man of the hour birthday hugs, plus talk to my cousin some.

Dark Knight was fantastic. Perfect movie, all the way. Loved every minute, even the ones I was grossed out during.

Once Draco made it home we started one of those interesting conversations that never seems to be concluded to satisfaction before he has to go to sleep.

I did my yoga 12 hours late, and without any kind of prompting. No video, no audio, just me in a quiet room doing whatever asanas felt right, for as long as I wanted to. I want to do that more often.

Reagan went to bed about when I finished, but I wasn't ready to sleep. Even though this is the last night we'll spend together until Sunday, so maybe I should be snuggling with him, I think of it as quality time to experience his presence while I am conscious. Spent a couple hours drawing... mostly birds. I wrote a letter to Katie (to be delivered at SDCC) on one side of a half-sheet of paper, and drew this on the other side:


Scanned it. Wrote this.

Now to fold laundry and watch my husband sleep.

Day 5 wasn't as bad as expected. I hope days 6-10 follow suit.

Before midnight, even?

Day 4.

Yesterday was bad, today was eh. I hit all the marks, and with an Internet blackout that I stuck to well enough to call it a success, I'll be moving ahead on the same track tomorrow. Today's bonus points are awarded for writing down a to-do list in a place I won't lose it.

Tomorrow will have its own struggles, internal (stupid body) and external (stupid double booking plans), but I think I'll survive.

More pictures, less words.

Peril and Victory

I made it through day 3 of 3, but not without some suffering and peril.

Timing was the issue here, and now comes the time for me to decide between honoring the letter of the law and the spirit of the law, or maybe leaving it up in the air and taking each occasion as it comes.

This won't be the last time there will be Things Going On that interfere with my plans (for world domination). It wasn't even a big deal that threw me off, just lunch. Lunch happened at yoga time, and I was craving orange chicken so Reagan took me out for (fast) Chinese. After that we spent some time at Barnes and Noble (which was good, objectively and subjectively), meaning it was around 5pm when we got home.

I stuck to a promise and started rice cooking, did yoga, and by the time rice was done, and I'd eaten the premiere portion, it was close to 7pm. The drawings I did earlier in the day don't really fulfill the amount of daily practice I ask of myself.

Add to that a mile long walk, a long discussion with Reagan about my creativity, and an addictive FaceBook game that scratches an itch that's been growing over the past week, and at 10 and 11pm I'm watching the clock and telling myself, "I can still do drawing before the 12am deadline..."

I did in the end. A half-page worth.

All is not lost, I can continue drawing and being productive after posting, but midnight is when I take my unofficial inventory of the day. I think I scraped by with a C-minus. The flexibility early on was fine, working around being active and spending time with Reagan, and accomplishing extra-curricular things like making fresh rice. The devolvement into internet frivolity in the evening is what brings down my marks.

Strange that earlier in the day I expressed to Reagan my growing urges to play a resource-hoarding game. Whenever I spend large amounts of time drawing, in my brain wells up a seemingly-unrelated desire to collect virtual "things". Every day I collect digital things (images (for drawing)), but this new itch is to gather gold and credits and resources and quantities of items in an artificial environment.

In any MMORPG I've played I have spent a slim majority of my time fighting battles and pursuing quests, and the remainder gathering items, organizing them and managing my inventories. That--collecting and crafting and improving my ability to make things--is the kind of game that holds the most appeal for me, and I'm most compelled to seek them out in periods of intensive drawing. Maybe it's my left brain re-asserting itself after long sessions of right brain exercise. Actually, that sounds about right. Now that I know, I hope I can channel it into something less time-destructive.

---

Another train of thought departing from the station of "Thoughts on Sunday Relating to Productivity, Structure, and Flexibility" travels on a track laid by this Wired article I read a few months ago. Much of the article focuses on the memory study Wozniak does, but my interest is in Wozniak himself. Through years of self-experimentation, he has pursued anonymity and largely disengaged himself from social circles because spending time away from routines means Wozniak will miss a key study session and possibly forget bits of knowledge he would otherwise remember.

Pursuits of higher functionality often puts humans at odds with the world around them. Wozniak has his memory sessions, and anyone pursuing an polyphasic sleep cycle will have mid day naps while others are splashing around at the water park. There's nothing rationally efficient when it comes to socializing.

Where does this leave me? I want the rational efficiency, the organization and the structure. The objective productivity. But then my right brain feels oppressed. It doesn't have the same reactionary refuge as my left brain (which inspires me to magic bean counting), no automatic function to engage which restores balance.

I've considered dividing my day up like a pie, similar to what I'm doing now with study in the AM, draw in the PM, stretch at 3. I'd take it farther, though, and assign a basic activity to enough slices that all 24 hours of the day would be covered. If I'm asleep during a particular time, I'm asleep. If other things pull me away from my desk, they pull me away from my desk, but lacking anything else to do, my daily schedule would give me something productive to do.

In some ways that feels too regimented. I picture school bells and class sessions and trudging from one activity to the next without true liberation from obligation.

As each idea, each phase of introspection passes through my mind, I wind a little closer to uncovering what I really want, the true grail I am digging through this angst for. Somewhere in the last paragraphs (see if you can find the point where I lose momentum and hastily wrap things up) I unearthed a piece of that puzzle, and wrote the key down on a sticky note (and stuck it to my monitor). What I am truly seeking with my self-challenge for productivity through stretching a bit here and jotting a bit down there is a ritual for invoking flow.

I honestly believe that Flow has been lacking from my creative pursuits this year, even if I haven't grokked that fact until now. I don't think I'll be able to go straight from this long, long string of non-Flow days to consistently achieving that mental state, but knowing where I'm going will be a start.

Incidentally, earlier today I decided what new element will be introduced to my self-challenge tomorrow, and while the word "flow" did not come to mind, the new piece of my outward-growing puzzle is decidedly pro-Flow.

Even before I started this journal entry, the last item to cross off from my objective inventory for the day, I was mentally writing an inventory of today's concepts. None are extraordinarily new, even the horrifying pregnancy-related dream I woke up from (I am not pregnant, nor is it likely I will become pregnant, and that may or may not have to do with three terrifying dreams about pregnancy I've experienced). Other themes of note were me vs. society, me vs. art, my art vs. society, and so on, often coming back to my desires for grandeur, a cousin to my longing for community that opens to me as easily as I open to it.

But curled in my husband's arms, plagued with imaginary pressures for prodigious and precocious success, I made a step towards throwing off the dis-ease. I vowed not to expect anything to happen with my art career (as far as it granting me friends, fame, or tangible bounty) until after I graduate from art school (essentially four years from now). Even though I protest, "But I want more friends!", I know on a deeper level that accepting such a thought will give me greater freedom to explore my creativity and make it mine if I'm not concerning myself with intentionally impressing people.

Backtracking a bit, many of "me vs. art/society" threads, at least somewhere along their lengths, were entangled in the knot of Internet, so that nebulous beast was discussed with Reagan as well. (My fire for the topic was both fueled and stomped on by earlier (bookstore) encounters with Artful Blogging magazine and 1000 Artist Journal Pages. But that's another other entry.) Imagine that infamous tantrum (honestly, from before my time) complete with stomping and hair-tossing: "Internet, Internet, Internet!!!" Fortunately I have a problem-solving luxury that Miss Brady didn't. I can cut down on the amount of internet in my life. And that's what I plan to do.

At last! She brings it all together! Back to the topic of self-challenge and the new step that unsurprisingly dovetails with the quest for Flow!

Over the past couple days I've fancied that the new twist in my plan would be to do a daily photo, or a fiction writing session, or otherwise add an activity. I thought I'd deepen the complexity and raise the standards of accomplishment, but instead the next strategic move is to simplify. I'm promising to, for a period of three to four hours, turn off my instant messenger and banish the browser windows that beg for my attention. Correction: the browser windows my mind wanders to, and clings to like a crutch so it doesn't have to face terror of creating.

While there is no guarantee that burning these bridges (temporarily!) will free up headspace and declutter my mind, they will reduce interruptions which are the mortal enemy of Flow, and also cut down on distractions, which are my mortal enemy, and thus my battle to fight. And fight it I shall.

In summary:
+ Keep the left and right brain in balance
+ Seek Flow
+ I have the luxury to focus on my creativity.
+ I should do so.
+ Simplify.
+ Calm down!

Tomorrow is day 1 of 7. Also known as Monday.

And then there were two...

Hey, this is easy.

Despite the fact that last night devolved into a fest of facebooking, it was still a win, and today is worthy of congratulations of equal measure.

I'm a little worried when comes the day that I will wake up before noon and want to do some internet study. That in itself is good, but once I develop details into some of my systems, I usually want to stick to those systems rigidly and pursue uniformity.

The jeopardized uniformity in question is that of my quote collection. I subscribe to the Quotations Page feed and occasionally come across a bit of philosophy or ideology that strikes my fancy. Not necessarily as something I think or believe, but a viewpoint I see as being a core to develop a fictional character's personality around. These key quotes are jotted down on post-it notes and stuck into a notebook. Whenever possible, I write the quote with a particular lavender Sharpie.

I keep the formatting consistent partially for consistency's sake, and partially so I can differentiate the "quote notes" from the "idea notes" that fill most of the notebook in question.

A mere two days ago I spotted the Sharpie on my desk and went to get a pad of post-its so I could close some quote tabs, but somewhere between going to the other room to grab the neon green sticky notes and returning to my desk, I must have gotten distracted. Now I have no clue where my lavender Sharpie is. True, I could use the navy blue, but it wouldn't be the same. It just wouldn't be the same.

More interesting was a bit of conversation with Draco touching the surface of having purpose and being productive, and how those things taken out of that order can be something like spinning one's wheels.

"Spinning wheels" is a good description of how I feel lately. I'm in a place with no objective traction for maybe eight more months. Until this tenure in limbo is over, I don't know how I will set and achieve goals that reach outside my head, my room, my computers, and the internet. Even if I know what my personal legend is, I seem to have the idea that I can't go off in pursuit of it until I have a home to leave behind. The metaphors and comparisons get mixed.

I stumbled over a new thought in the process of writing this, and it's difficult to continue coherently. I'm eager to use up old art so I can start posting the new stuff that I'm more happy with as I regain my see-arms.

Today is the first day... (Day 1 of 3)

I am sweaty and my head is soaking wet. It must be midnight.

The timing was great. I got back from a short run with Reagan, stuck my head under the kitchen faucet, then did some post-run stretching. My water was about half done when I looked up and saw both hands on the clock pointing straight up.

"Time to post!"

And the exercise-induced endorphins are a great accompaniment as I sit down at my keyboard.

I mentioned yesterday that it's a self-challenge thing I'm doing, and I'm making it up as I go along. There will be pulling bits of inspiration and philosophy from different sources on and off the web, but primarily I want to build from zero and go for what is natural for me. I'll probably get more into the specifics of what and why in the future. Right now I answer to myself "why three days?"

Why three days?

I'm starting small. There are big things I want to do with the vast amounts of free time I've been gifted with, and it's a big goal to accomplish Good Things for the people who have made it possible, but I am not capable to go from zero structure to the wonderful dancing ideas I have in my mind. I'm starting small in number of days and number of things I ask of myself. After three days there will be seven days, then fourteen days, and so-on and so-forth, with each day bringing new progress on goals and projects.

But for these three days, I am only going to ask three things of myself. There is a fourth, time-specific objective, but it (studying internet) is something I promised myself a month ago that I wouldn't over-stress myself about, and I intend to stick to that.

Yoga around 3pm happened, and drawing at 6pm happened, and now posting at midnight is happening. Foundation! Precedent!

That's what the first three days are. Foundation. If I stick the landing for the first 3 days, I'll have proved to myself what is possible. I'll get a shiny medal for having a completed goal under my belt, and that can serve as a boost-up when I'm faltering in a month or so.

To a certain degree, this is the glow of coming back from summer camp, the fire of starting something new. Except that I haven't come back from camp, unless reading The Alchemist counts. I've simply hit a point where I don't know where my future is, or what my future is, or what roles I'm going to play in the future. I've decided that I'm going to make choices to make myself and my life what I want them to be, and let the future come.

I think this is where they say, "Obnoxiously positive." And roll their eyes at my endorphins.

In summation: Natural Systems. Small Goals.

More old drawings, but I did get a few pages done today, and it feels very good to get back into it, even if I'm scared of the day on which I'll have to step it up. Getting over that is a future goal. ;)

Personal Challenge, day 0/3

Stealing a few minutes from Yojimbo to put down a few words.

I'm slowly easing myself into a new rhythm, or at least trying to. Study before noon, yoga at 3, draw after 6, post at midnight. I'm going to try to hold myself to that for three days, starting Friday. (Yes! I'm sleeping mostly-normal hours now!)


Today fell squarely into the category of "normal with internet".

Strangely anime epic dreams last night, and they'd be good inspiration if I could remember more of them. Bits were actually too scary for me to want to explore deeply (as in, I wouldn't write it), but nothing nightmarish. Good because Reagan wasn't there when I woke up (running car-errands).

I found the Tick live action series on Netflix, and it is everything I want out of TV. Brilliant writing, witty, and on FOX, which means it was canceled after 8 episodes. I watched that while drawing, and Yakitate! Japan while doing milder stuff. Crackpot anime! I love all the word-play even if I don't grok it, and there are many hilarious bits. Glad there's a lot of it.

Slow drawing is slow. Getting my sea-fingers back.

The more "interesting" parts of life have happened in previous days. Car trouble and budget-searching have meant needing to give up things that I've been looking forward to and that also cost money. Main effect: Reagan going to SDCC without me. :(

Man Toshiro Mifune is really beat up right now.

In cheerier news, I got The Alchemist audio book free from iTunes last week, and finished it a couple days ago. Loved every bit of it, and it challenges me to think in new ways. The book arrived to my possession, too, courtesy of Draco. I'm very happy to have both. The guy who reads the audiobook is good, but some of his voices are funny.

And an oldish sketch:

No Downsides.

I can't believe it's been almost a month.

I had an epiphany last night. In an hour or less I patched up psychic wounds that has been rubbed raw for months on end.

It's not easy to put more words to it than that without becoming oblique and cryptic or exceedingly personal and revealing, and I wish to do neither (but make no promises). Regardless, I'm more joyful now than I've been for quite a while. My mind is at rest, I am at ease.

Better than merely those things, I found a new faith in Other People's Wisdom and it's a humbling experience. It's unexpected and inexplicable, but this epiphany has put a decent-sized crack in my cynicism, and I don't want it to heal over again. I hope beyond hope that I remember this feeling and that it makes me a better, more gentle person.

It's strange to me, but this epiphany isn't completely grounded in reality. There is evidence for and against its factuality, perhaps more on the "against" side (but that might be the months of baggage talking). Accepting the epiphany as truth, however, makes the puzzle pieces in my mind fit together in a way that just seems right. I'm going to put down my pride and let this new idea be true.

Letting go of my pride isn't a downside. Pride can be heavy. :P

Things get better. People improve. It does happen. Be good to each other.
Have friends you can trust, and trust them.


For additional positivity...




And Draco inspired me to write my own verses:

I love to read books
Love always learning stuff
I love to crack jokes
I hope I'm funny enough
I love the whole world
and all my awesome friends

Boom de ya-da
Boom de ya-da
Boom de ya-da
Boom de ya-da

I love to draw things
I love the internet
I love just living
and I'm not finished yet
I love the whole world
and hope it never ends

Boom de ya-da
Boom de ya-da
Boom de ya-da
Boom de ya-da!